Today, I felt angry about myself and unconsciously angry to GOD and her. This must because I felt desperate, unconfident, and dissappointed about myself.
Yesterday, I was supposed to go with my friends to amusement parks for celebrating our last group activities but I felt that I was too having fun lately and I still have exam on Dec 22th so I wanted to absent. And I asked GOD to give me a clue on the night before it about what decision should I pick, I wanted GOD to decide it. And I saw that she was gonna attending confession on chapel. It’s a sign that GOD gave me then I decided to attend the confession.
I hoped that I would see her that day. Then I came to the chapel. And I realized if I want to confess my sins and I was expecting her, it is not a good thing, I knew that. But I really wanted to see her again… I want to say hi to her…. I really want….
On the event, I saw 2 girls. 1 whom I met at the church and there’s a feeling about her but I don’t want that. And 1 is someone that I already know and I once had feeling for her, but it was a long time ago. And the girl that I’ve been waiting for, She didn’t came.
On that event, not only I didn’t see her but my faith and loyalty was tested. 1 girl that I met at church finally was sitting beside me. In the beginning, She sat on 1 row in front of me. But after the confession began, I and my friend had to change seat to another place to make a queue. Then She was sitting beside me. You know…..It’s not easy to lead your heart… I was feeling that I like her but that’s not my real decision, it’s a desire from my heart. And I know it’s wrong. So I fight it back… It was hard. Every time we have to change seat, we always sitting beside each other, there came a feeling to say hi to her, and I know that’s not right. Because I didn’t see her whom I love that day then I felt desperate and even if I see her that day, I am still not brave to say hi to her. With that and the feeling of my heart, I really want to take the shortcuts, to say hi to the girl beside me.
I knew 1 thing, if I did say hello to the girl beside me, I failed the test of faith and loyalty to the one I love. I felt so sure about it. The only way to defeat the temptation is to not think about it and to not see her so I looked to another except her.
After I did my confessions and went home, I still thought about her even today.
Also yesterday, I found that the girl whom I love was take part in many events that I didn’t want to join, like campus night, and much more things. I felt so foolish to have missed her all this time, I felt so dissappoint about myself. How could I miss her at that times? And now I’m already at the lasting seconds of my preclinic time, I felt so sad that maybe I cannot see her again. I feel so sad and I really want to cry even now. And I’m still hoping to GOD to give me more chance so I can be with her. I’ m hoping that GOD would give me his miracles again so I could be with her.. And I believe that my decisions was right.. I believe… but I lack of faith to my GOD…I feel desperate, I feel not confident, I feel powerless, I feel no hope…
I need you, oh GOD…
Your bible says, “Ask GOD and you shall receive”.
I want to believe it, GOD
And I believe in you, GOD…
Please LORD, don’t let I fail my life anymore…
Please LORD, teach me how to be a good man…
Please LORD, teach me how to be patience…
Please LORD, teach me how to believe in GOD
And
Teach me how to love with your love, LORD
Please LORD, bless me so I always do exactly as YOUR WILL is…
Please LORD, I do really really need YOU….
Amen
