December 17, 2009

Today, I felt angry about myself and unconsciously angry to GOD and her. This must because I felt desperate, unconfident, and dissappointed about myself.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go with my friends to amusement parks for celebrating our last group activities but I felt that I was too having fun lately and I still have exam on Dec 22th so I wanted to absent. And I asked GOD to give me a clue on the night before it about what decision should I pick, I wanted GOD to decide it. And I saw that she was gonna attending confession on chapel. It’s a sign that GOD gave me then I decided to attend the confession.

I hoped that I would see her that day. Then I came to the chapel. And I realized if I want to confess my sins and I was expecting her, it is not a good thing, I knew that. But I really wanted to see her again… I want to say hi to her…. I really want….

On the event, I saw 2 girls. 1 whom I met at the church and there’s a feeling about her but I don’t want that. And 1 is someone that I already know and I once had feeling for her, but it was a long time ago. And  the girl that I’ve been waiting for, She didn’t came.

On that event, not only I didn’t see her but my faith and loyalty was tested. 1 girl that I met at church finally was sitting beside me. In the beginning, She sat on 1 row in front of me. But after the confession began, I and my friend had to change seat to another place to make a queue. Then She was sitting beside me. You know…..It’s not easy to lead your heart… I was feeling that I like her but that’s not my real decision, it’s a desire from my heart. And I know it’s wrong. So I fight it back… It was hard. Every time we have to change seat, we always sitting beside each other, there came a feeling to say hi to her, and I know that’s not right. Because I didn’t see her whom I love that day then I felt desperate and even if I see her that day, I am still not brave to say hi to her. With that and the feeling of my heart, I really want to take the shortcuts, to say hi to the girl beside me.

I knew 1 thing, if I did say hello to the girl beside me, I failed the test of faith and loyalty to the one I love. I felt so sure about it. The only way to defeat the temptation is to not think about it and to not see her so I looked to another except her.

After I did my confessions and went home, I still thought about her even today.

Also yesterday, I found that the girl whom I love was take part in many events that I didn’t want to join, like campus night, and much more things. I felt so foolish to have missed her all this time, I felt so dissappoint about myself. How could I miss her at that times? And now I’m already at the lasting seconds of my preclinic time, I felt so sad that maybe I cannot see her again. I feel so sad and I really want to cry even now. And I’m still hoping to GOD to give me more chance so I can be with her. I’ m hoping that GOD would give me his miracles again so I could be with her.. And I believe that my decisions was right.. I believe… but I lack of faith to my GOD…I feel desperate, I feel not confident, I feel powerless, I feel no hope…

I need you, oh GOD…

Your bible says, “Ask GOD and you shall receive”.

I want to believe it, GOD

And I believe in you, GOD…

Please LORD, don’t let I fail my life anymore…

Please LORD, teach me how to be a good man…

Please LORD, teach me how to be patience…

Please LORD, teach me how to believe in GOD

And

Teach me how to love with your love, LORD

Please LORD, bless me so I always do exactly as YOUR WILL is…

Please LORD, I do really really need YOU….

Amen

December 7, 2009

Hi GOD, today I talked to my advisor about my paper. And She said that on 16th December, maybe I can have paper test. Ohh I hope She can inform me soon about this. cause if that’s what will happen then I need to register first at 9th December. I hope it’s gonna go well. I hope GOD will help me again.

FATHER in Heaven, I met her today Thank you for answering my prayer, GOD. But I’m still not brave enough to speak to her. When She came with her friends, I was looking for announcement at wall announcement, and I was looking for her too cause I know, there were a lot people whom I recognized in the same class with her.

Then I suddenly felt, somehow She was near at me. And I saw around and I saw her, at first I couldn’t identify but when She was getting closer to me, I knew her. I saw her for a second then suddenly I feel afraid and I turn my face to the announcement wall again (T_T) I am still not brave enough to make conversation with her. And then She passed me behind to get to elevator. Then I took a chance to look at her again cause I love how she looks.. Oh GOD, forgive my timid nature (T_T) I wasted the chance that GOD gave me again.

Oh GOD, you know what my heart feels right now. I really want to see her again. I really really want to see her again. She is so beautiful, GOD. Please GOD, give me another chance again and teach me how to be a brave man so next time I meet her again, I can say hello to her

Amin.

Sometimes, human always reject the opportunity that GOD gave to them. Human always take the wrong decisions and do the wrong decisions. But what if we humans take the right decision and do the right decisions, I believe it will give us something that we will not regret. For example: GOD has given me a chance today to meet her, but I wasted it. If only I make decision that make my heart to be brave to say hello to her, I believe it will open the start to our relationship.

Now, we must understand this. GOD always give us chances to go back to him. GOD always give us signs to remind us if we’re doing something in a opposite direction of what GOD wants. GOD wants us to be brave to take the right decisions and do the right decisions. And sometimes, the right decision is hard to make and hard to do. But if we can and do it, we will get what we want, we will get what our hearts truly desires. I understand that it’s hard for us to change what we always comfortable with. I do understand it. That’s why we need JESUS help. JESUS can help us to make the right decision and do it but we need to pray to HIM.

So let’s pray to JESUS . Be what JESUS wants . Do what JESUS wants . And JESUS will help you. Believe in HIM always with all your heart .

December 4, 2009

I had a crazy night yesterday. I didn’t sleep till 10.00 AM today. I was watching tv series on internet, started from 9.00 PM till 10.00 AM. At the middle of watching, I feel not well and I drank honey about 3 glasses so I didn’t get sick. And praise LORD, I didn’t get sick actually even I feel fine and not sleepy at all, especially since about 4.00 AM. Watching the dark sky turned to bright, it felt wonderful.

But I’ve made mistakes. I was supposed to finish the paper yesterday so I could bring it to my advisor today, but I didn’t and choose to watch internet instead. This is so lame. This is just not right. and I feel sad (T_T). Another mistake is because I watched there’s a hot young girl in the movie and I was interested. And you know what!! I tried to search for her profile and picture and then again, the addiction of lust came to me. I tried to search something that I was not supposed to be doing, and I feel ashamed for it.

But thanks to GOD, HE grab a hold of me and HE made me realized that what I was doing is not right. HE always there beside me to remind me of what I was doing. HE kept telling my heart that I must stop this immediately for the love. In the beginning, I was still not listening and getting deeper and deeper, till morning, I still didn’t listen very carefully to HIM.

Until around at 8.00 AM, some miracle, HE gave me again. I begin to see light in my heart about what I desired the most. “THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE” and then I knew that I don’t want to hurt her by what I was doing and also I don’t want to hurt GOD’s feeling too anymore.

But I still didn’t stop it, I was still confused and I still had doubt in my mind and in my heart because of the lust. The urge of the lust at the time was enough to get me do sin again.

Then I took a nap cause I didn’t want to do anything wrong anymore. And I prayed to GOD to forgive me and to help me fight the temptation.

After I woke up, I was thinking again. Then I saw her picture, and I realized, I came back to my senses again. I’ve made the decision to love her with GOD’s way and I do not want to give up on it. Then I stopped all of what I was doing before. I destroyed all of it. Once again, GOD helped me again.

You see,

GOD NEVER GIVES UP.

GOD ALWAYS BE PATIENTLY WAITING FOR US.

GOD ALWAYS REMINDS US TO COME TO HIM.

MADE A COMMITMENT TO GOD.

PRAY THE COMMITMENT TO GOD.

BELIEVE IN HIM.

THEN WITH YOUR FAITH, GOD WILL ALWAYS HELP YOU THROUGH  GREAT DIFFICULTIES, GREAT TEMPTATIONS, GREAT CHAOS IN YOUR LIFE.

a small sparrow, loved by the LORD, and especially myself, loved by the LORD

December 2, 2009

The Bible says ,”The Heart is deceitful above all things,” and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

You got to lead your heart

December 1, 2009

Today, it was hard for me to study. First, my eyes is easy to get tired when reading. Second, the tiny little font was making me stress and frustrated cause I have to read it with a magnifier. Third, my mind is easily distracted and easily to get bored. Fourth, I was thinking of many things which made my mind divide into 4 parts, pending scientific paper, love, fear of the future cause I realized that my knowledge as a doctor has so many lacks, and exam.

This time I learned that for something that you want to achieve, you have to work hard, but the hardest part is how you defend your decisions and live in accordance with the decisions that you have made. Examples, I’ve made decision that today I will study hard, but in reality, I got obstacles from my mind, limitations of eyes, and mood. It was hard to overcome these.

Human is so easy to surrender, it’s a sign of resist from our body. It feels like getting out of our comfort zone. There will always be temptations, difficulties, and  unwillingness which makes us unable to accomplish decision that we have made.

But don’t give up.

We’re not alone.

We still have GOD.

“ASK, THEN YOU SHALL RECEIVE.”

It is a promise from JESUS. JESUS wants us to pray to HIM. JESUS wants us to beg to HIM. JESUS wants us to believe in HIM. And JESUS wants us to give our best in doing it.

KEEP PRAYING. KEEP BELIEVING IN GOD. KEEP WORKING HARD.

ARE YOU FIREPROOF?

Hi, my name is Benjamin Widjaja. and I’m here to share my stories with all people who either has given his life to JESUS CHRIST or hasn’t. I want to share my personal experiences to you so you can understand how JESUS change my life and I do really hope you can give all your life to HIM too.

In my stories, I will tell you everything about what I’ve done for a day, about what decision that I’ve made, about what I feel, about how hard it can be to do the right thing and how easy my life can be because JESUS is in my life.

so you’ll always know,

JESUS ALWAYS LOVES US WETHER WE DESERVE IT OR NOT

Let JESUS Change Your Life

your brother,

Benjamin